The dance of adulthood

The dance of parenting an adult can be tricky!

Independence.

It’s what I want most for my son, and yet releasing control can be difficult when I’ve steered his life—with God’s guidance!—all these years.

Yet it creates a conundrum.

There are times when I want my son to take one direction, but he wants to go another way.

When this happens, I am conflicted.

On the one hand, I want him to make good choices and to have the freedom to do so.

On the other hand, I want to protect him and make choices that enhance his life, not shrink it.

The question becomes: When do I step in and take control, and when do I let him go?

It’s true that all parents go through this time of growth and separation. But for those of us with children and then adults on the autism spectrum, often we are still in the driver’s seat, making many of the decisions.

Sometimes we guess wrong.

Then there are times we relinquish control and the adult with autism excels (thrives), learns a new skill or new level of independence and a situation ends beautifully.

I wish there was an autism playbook, but there isn’t. As parents, we’ve learned that coaching from the sidelines is a play-by-play, day-by-day process. For many decisions, you are on your own.

For me, I’ve developed a philosophy that helps in 80% of these situations. There are some that I still ponder if I took the right direction.

Long ago I made a decision that my son would be independent, meaning he would work and take care of himself—as much as he is able. I was to be his guide.

That’s the filter I continue to use where independence is concerned. It’s a funky dance. At times I want to pull in the reigns and on other occasions I want to push him forward and yell, “Go for it!”

Take the case for employment. I work for a top grocery chain and I wanted my son to join me at the store. In my mind, this would allow me to keep an eye on him, intervene as needed, and I could coach those around us to work with my son, and vice versa. Conceptually, such close proximity would be a win:win, and since I was already driving to the store, transportation would not be an issue.

Sometimes we have to release expectations.
So, I accepted his decision not to work at the store. We are still on a journey to find the right training and the right setting that will allow him to share his skills at work and enhance his life.

Yes, there are days I wonder if I’ve made the right choice, employment-wise, especially as I head out to work and he is at home, still unemployed. However, I know that he is clear in what types of work he wants to pursue.

If I want independence for him, then this thread of accepting his right to make a choice, needs to be woven into every decision. This is the same approach I have with my 26-year-old daughter, Destiny. I have to accept her choices as an adult, even when I disagree. Doesn’t Terence deserve the same respect? The same freedom?

That’s how I approach these times, and it’s not always easy. I want him to be a man, an adult who gets to make many of his own choices. An adult who has to accept the consequences.

Now don’t be fooled, I am still hovering, at the ready. I am there if he needs me.

It’s a tricky dance, but so worth the effort.